Once upon a time there was a chip shop….


Once upon a time there was a chip shop,
Where we used to eat a meal or two.
Remember how we scoffed away the hours,
And dreamed of all the things that we could chew.

Those were the meals my friend,
We thought they’d never end,
We’d eat and drink forever and a day.
We’d eat the food we choose,
Our trousers always loose,
Those were the meals, oh yes those were the meals.

Then middle age crept up on us,
We lost our fast metabolism on the way.
If by chance I’d see you in the chip shop,
We’d smile at one another and say.

That was the food my friend,
The fry ups that never end,
We’d eat pure lard forever and a day.
We’d eat the grease we choose,
And wash it down with booze,
That was the food, oh yes that was the food.

Just tonight I stood before the mirror,
None of my old clothes did fit me.
In the glass I saw a strange reflection,
Was that balding fat man really me ?

That was the grub my friend,
The kebabs that never end,
We’d eat at least one for every meal a day.
We’d drink the chilli sauce,
For our dessert course,
And next day never go too far from the loo.

At weight watchers I hear familiar laughter,
As the scales loudly speak my weight.
Oh my friend we’re older but no thinner,
As I still eat everything that’s on my plate.

There goes my waistline my friend,
And now I cannot bend,
And it’s a strain to try to lace my shoes.
I can’t now see my feet,
As I waddle down the street,
There goes my waistline it won’t be back soon.

Sometimes I Miss Smoking.

In pubs my hands can feel unoccupied
They grab and tear at beer mats
Or spilt beer on the table becomes
An artist’s canvas for my restless fingers.

I also used to know a great conjuring trick
When by just touching a cigarette
While standing at a bus stop
I could make a bus magically appear.

Lastly I am no longer equipped to offer
A much-needed light to strangers
Though if asked I often find
I still tap my pockets expectantly.

When I read tweets, blogs etc and they happen to mention how the author has recently quit smoking I can sometimes nostalgically reminisce on my smoking years and the odd things you miss when you quit a habit.

DDO cast 226

First of all please take the time to admire the new DDOcast logo designed by the very talented  Drew Pocza, I love it and look forward to proudly wearing it on my chest soon.

Anyway this weeks poem was a request from Steiner Davion for a poem about troglodytes with particular reference to their smell. So click the link to download my poem or follow the link to DDOcast in my sidebar to listen to the whole show.

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I think I’m going bald ?

I tentatively touch the back of my head
Trying to work out if my hair is still there.
I twist my neck as I look in the mirror
I can see a bald spot I swear.
Worried I consult recent family photos
Looking for ones of me taken from behind.
My head seems to glare as the camera flashed
And people look like they’ve been struck blind.
There’s no doubt about it I’m going bald
Or optimistically my hairs now very thin.
I gaze at the mirror reflecting on the irony
That the hairiest part of my head’s my chin.



With your t-shirt just so rightly tight,
It’s logo conveniently at chest height,
You approach me with a flirty smile,
I become instantly the beguiled.

Apparently you are collecting for charity,
Not that your words to me have clarity,
I bet you collect more than the guys,
I think as I drown into your eyes.

So I don’t notice signing the direct debit,
Though on payday I will regret it,
But it was worth it for our brief chat,
And hours of pleasant thoughts after that.

Seriously give generously to charity folks


DDO Cast 225

This week my poetry segment on DDOcast sees me channel the spirit of Bob Dylan for a little ditty entitled ” All along the necropolis. ”

Download the song from the link below or listen to the whole show via the link on my sidebar.

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School Daze

School Daze

Holes in tights and love bites,
Lots and lots of playground fights.
School rules and class fools,
Inappropriate use of woodwork tools.
Dirty socks and high frocks,
Biology lessons causing shocks.
Stolen bikes and teacher’s strikes,
Cancelled after school hikes.
Borrowing LP’s and bruised knees,
After class “please see me.”
Inattention and detention,
Cheeking teachers means suspension.
Are these the best days of your life?
Or just a different type of strife?

Nostalgia, is it all it’s cracked up to be ?

To me nostalgia is the reek of urine
Ever present in the alleys and back streets of my youth.
I still have fond memories of where
I learned to be nimble by avoiding dog shit.
Where the chip wrappers seemed sentient
And would nuzzle affectionately at your legs.
Every street used to have a pub
Or a phone box or a corner shop.
Now every street has empty beer cans
Racist graffiti and used needles.
But in my imagination
I am still twelve again.
Riding my new bike  never thinking
Of growing old or leaving.

Aftershave Attack on Local Bus

Victims of a chemical attack on a local bus
Today spoke about their ordeal.

” It was terrible.”
” My eyes were on fire. ”
” I can still taste it. ”

The cause….

” He simply had on to much aftershave.”

Victims said they first noticed an overbearing sweet smell,
Like a bowl of over ripe fruit.
Then the chemical attack began to coat
And even tongues.

Large doses of Starbucks coffee
Failed to dilute the poison.
Passengers were only saved
By a quick thinking lady
Who openend a packet of
Pickled onion crisps.

The accused has been bought to trial
But pleaded not guilty.
He is still in custody
Untill the smell wears off.

DDO Cast 224

Cover your ears this week as I regale you with a DDO drinking song !

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