On the thirteenth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the thirteenth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Nothing.

Yes nothing was going to arrive today
As I mined the drive to make the postman go away
My ex true-love can’t present one more single gift
Not unless they want to be off my Christmas list.
However I did send out one gift of my own
A special letter to my ex true-loves home.
It came from my solicitor and said please desist
From sending impractical Christmas gifts.
And I finally got rid of all the birds squawking
By flogging them all via an Ebay auction.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the twelfth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming.

Well what with the pipers and now the drums
My hearing was going just a bit numb.
Then add in all the maids, birds and lords
And the racket being made couldn’t be ignored.
The neighbours began to bang on the walls
But I just couldn’t control it all.
Then I had some more surprise guests
It was the police, I was under arrest!
And all because I couldn’t get the noise to cease
They sent me to court for disturbing the peace.

 

Carry on reading the last day is here, yes there are thirteen days!

On the eleventh day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping.

The pipers were perhaps the worst gift yet
As all the noise made the birds quite upset.
Causing me, and me, the lords and the maids
To clean the garden with buckets and spades.
My house is now in a very sorry state
I’d run away but I think it’s too late.
I have to see this through to the end
Despite these gifts driving me round the bend.
I braced myself for the final day
Wandering what hell would come my way.

 

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the tenth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the tenth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Ten lords a leaping.

The lords leapt in they wouldn’t stop in the street
Jumping around, totally disturbing the peace.
Where is my ex true-love finding these folk
And hasn’t she had enough of this so called joke?
Are these lords a unsubtle hint
That unlike them I will never amount to anything?
Despondent I opened the cooking sherry
And me and my unwanted guests got merry.
My memory went blank, it got a bit wild
And now one of the maids is having a lord’s child.

 

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the ninth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the ninth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing.

I told the postman for todays delivery I wouldn’t sign
But thought of my ex true-love so had to resign.
And I pondered is this gift a comment on my two left feet,
Because when it came to dancing I couldn’t compete.
With my ex true-loves elegant waltz and Foxtrot,
While I staggered to keep up like a punch-drunk boxer.
As for the nine ladies they’re in the garden leaping around
If anybody stops to watch then I charge them a pound.
I thought any cash raised by this might go some way
To paying for seed for all my gifted feathery strays.

 

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the eigth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the eighth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Eight maids a milking

When I saw todays arrival wasn’t birds I sighed with relief,
And put my new guests to work cleaning my sheets,
Hoovering up feathers and bits of sticky egg-shell.
So my home might look like heaven not an avian hell.
Now my ex true-love always liked the house to be clean
And since she’s left I haven’t been tidy, but I mean
Does she think it needs eight people to clean this house?
And what’s with the milking, should I expect eight cows?
I went to bed that night wondering what was in store
And whether tomorrow I should answer the door.

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the seventh day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the seventh day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Seven swans a swimming.

As seven swans turned up in an old tin bath.
I thought my ex is just having a laugh
The garden is nearly full, birds are just not my thing
I wonder should I give the local zoo a ring?
And why on earth send me seven swans?
My brain is struggling with what’s going on!
Wikipedia states that swans mate for life
I’m not sure if that’s a hint from my ex I should like!
The swans were getting frisky, do they mean me harm
I mean I’ve heard they could break your arm!

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the sixth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me….

On the sixth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Six geese a laying.

Again more birds from my love that was once true
But has she not heard of the peril of avian flu?
And what’s the significance that these geese are laying
Could it be that she’s pregnant my ex true-love is saying?
Am I going to be a father, will a child one day call me dad?
These bizarre gifts from my ex are driving me mad!
I decided to settle the geese in the garden with my other new pets
As I wondered what on earth would turn up next.
I should have concentrated as I nearly broke my leg
As at the top of my garden steps one goose had laid an egg.

Carry on reading the next day is here

On the fifth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the fifth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Five gold rings.

I uttered a silent prayer when today no birds appeared at my door
As my current menagerie had made my garden an eye sore.
You couldn’t see my lawn for feathers, nests and bird poo
But I hadn’t time to clean it as I’d some pondering to do.
With this gift of rings what can my ex true-love mean?
Could it be a reminder of our five wedded years, possibly?
Or maybe these rings have a darker meaning. Of course!
Has my ex been married five more times since our divorce?
I realised I’d no time to spend on further deep thoughts
As the birds had escaped onto a nearby golf course!

 

Carry on reading the next day is here.

On the fourth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me….

On the fourth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Four calling birds.

I awoke and at my front door there was a riot of squawking
On opening it I found four birds had come calling.
Each one had a little message tag round its neck
But was hard to read them without getting a peck.
I made out,” Oh my ex darling do you like these gifts?
There’s eight more to come, do you get the drift? ”
I didn’t really have much time to ponder on all that
As out in the garden the birds were bullying next door’s cat.
And as I separated the combatants with a struggle
I hoped tomorrow’s gift wouldn’t be so much trouble.

Carry on reading the next day is here