My Ransom Demands

My Ransom demands

I’m holding the world to ransom,
With a virus found in my doner kebab.
Here is the full list of my demands,
To be met before I get mad !

I demand a cure for male pattern baldness,
I want a reduction to my pension age.
Colourful murals on bland city walls,
Plus a job that pays an exorbitant wage.

I want gold to be found at the rainbow’s end,
I’d love a beautiful red sky every night.
Every other day must always be Saturday
Beer for a pound and a barmaid whose polite

I’d like a unicorn stabled in every garage,
I want a fat Cheshire cat for every lap.
Kindle books sold at a reasonable price,
And in my bath Drew Barrymore ready on tap

I demand you burn down my old school,
I want chips that make you lose weight.
All phones must be switched off in cinemas,
In supermarket queues I shouldn’t have to wait.

If you can’t meet these demands then I’ll settle,
For these two simple things instead.
A crisp dry pint of tasty real ale,
And a soft pillow to rest my weary head.


One and a half years of poetry

I like odd anniversaries and I note that give or take a day that today is the one and a half-year anniversary of this poetry blog.

The blog was started as a place where my poetry segments for DDO cast could easily be found and mutated from there into a place for all my poetry. So if you are a first time visitor or an old friend have a look around, there are three pages where you can download my spoken poetry segments or in some cases even listen to them and as a start here are some links to other posts.

My first written poem on the site can be found here

The most popular poem on the site can be found here

A poem that won third place in a regional poetry contest can be found here

Normally my favourite poem is the last poem I wrote however I do have a soft spot for the poems found here and here

Enjoy !

A Town without Pity

In a town without pity
There’s a barman always bitter.
As its said there’s a hole
Where his soul used to be.

And it’s quietly spoken
That his bar will never open.
As no one can afford the price
The barman has set.

And there on the door its pinned
The bars prices for a drink.
And they all cost
An hour of true love.

And all the angels on the pins
Have bought an end to dancing.
As a protest that the bar
Has shut it’s doors.

And at them the barman laughs
Cos he has done the math.
And he knows someone
Somewhere has some love.

But this way they never pass
So the barman just wipes a glass.
As a silent tear fills
The corner of his eye.

But here’s the curious fact
True love has been and passed
They at the time just
Never felt thirsty.






Baby Gym – daughter inspired poetry day 3.

Welcome to the third and final day of looking at my poetry that has been inspired by my daughter.

Now you may have noticed an underlying theme of worry in the posts of the last two days, while I feel that is a natural state for parents I wanted to end the week with something a bit more upbeat so here is a poem I wrote probably around the time my daughter was six months old.

If you’re feeling down or low,
If you’re feeling quite depressed.
Don’t write your life clean off,
It’s easy to cure your stress.
Put a baby in a jungle gym,
Watch them bounce up and down.
Put a baby in a jungle gym,
And play its tunes and sounds.
Then as the baby enjoys themselves,
As they smile and gyrate.
You realise it’s simple pleasures,
That can make any blues evaporate.

Growing Pains, daughter inspired poetry day 2

Yesterday I shared my thoughts on my young daughter, the big changes going on in her life and how she inspires poetry. Today here is another poem which continues my  theme of being a bit worried about her !

On the window sill sits a plastic cup
Which holds a solitary sunflower seed
Planted in the well-thumbed potting soil
By my seven month old daughter.
Though I suspect she had some help,
From her ever patient child minder
As the plastic cup bears her name
Neatly written on a  peeling sticker.
And just like her the seed grows
Struggling to stand up straight
Requiring constant attention
And quite often worrying us all.

Starting School, daughter inspired poetry day 1.

It’s been a busy week here with the promise of it only going to get busier because today my daughter started school and next week she is four years old.

My daughter as well as being the light of my life and a constant bringer of joy has also inspired a fair few poems some of which I’m going to share with you over the next few days.

Lets start with one written shortly after she was born


I think about our future.
As I wrestle you into your vest,
Will we be battling some more?
Will I be allowed a short rest?
Will your octopus like wriggles,
That throw off  the bedclothes.
Turn into octopus twists of logic,
Bringing us to mental blows.
How can I say no to a tattoo,
When I have two of my own.
Will it break my heart as well,
If that boy never phones ?
Can I be the cool father ?
The one kids all thinks great.
The one who buys you beer,
And lets you stop up late.
I think about our future,
As I wrestle you into your vest.
As long as I spend it with you,
I don’t care if I never rest.


If you enjoyed that heres a few more daughter related poems and I will try and post another tomorrow.


portrait of my daughter at nearly three years old

the sheet