A Poem to Celebrate Pay Day.

I like many a fortunate person today am lucky enough to have been paid and even though to paraphrase Father Ted in that the money only briefly rests in my account I thought it was worth writing a poem about.


It’s pay-day, it’s pay-day,
It’s keep all the bills at bay day,
It’s a Costa coffee mocha treat day,
It’s a smile at those you meet day,
It’s a renew the travel pass day,
It’s a save for Xmas gifts day,
Its scour Ebay for bargains day,
It’s eat cake till your arteries harden day,
It’s treat yourself to that DVD day,
It’s  chinese take-away for tea day,
It’s your wallet or purse is full day,
It’s a 24 hour never dull day.



Marmite Covered Jelly-Babies – a love poem

You’re like a marmite covered jelly-baby
I don’t know why I’m drawn to you?
I think you think about me sometimes
So today I plan to fall in love with you.
You see I’m drawn to you like a moth to a flame
Like a rat to a discarded take away.
I’m always tongue tied in your presence
So what I love about you I can never say.
Like I love the fact you catch the train
When it’d be easier for you to walk.
I love the way you flick the V’s
At me, when all I want to do is talk.
I love the fact you mock the needy
Yet still give generously to charity.
I love the way you wear a bikini
Even though you don’t live by the sea.
You’re like a panda armed with a blade
I love you even though you’re bizarre.
You’re like a razor filled doughnut
So tempting but I fear you may scar.
I love you like a pig loves not being bacon.
I love you like a diabetic loves their insulin drug.
I love you like we love a song we love to hate.
Oh if only you understood.

When Crisps Cry

Have you ever opened a packet of crisps only to be disappointed by the low number of crisps present, well you are not alone.

I fell victim to the curse of the empty crisp packet only yesterday hence todays poem inspired by the classic Prince song.

Dig if u will the picture
Of me feeling quite hungry.
My stomach starts to rumble,
Can u Mr Walker,
Picture my agony !

Dream if u can an office
A very hungry room.
The peckish strike curious poses,
They feel the hunger,
The hunger of me and u.

How can u leave me so hungry ?
With only six crisps in my packet.
Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I just like full crisp packets.
Maybe your just like my wallet
That’s always empty as well.
That’s because you’re so expensive.
This is what it sounds like,
When crisps cry.

Touch if u will my stomach,
Feel how it trembles inside.
You’ve got my hunger all tied up.
Don’t make me buy another,
Even I have some pride.

How can you leave me so hungry ?
The packet had more air than crisps.
Maybe I’m just to demanding,
Too want more than six crisps.
Maybe your just like my stomach,
It’s never satisfied.
Why do I scream at the vending machine ?
This is what it sounds like
When crisps cry….

( Apologies to Prince ! )

The A to Z of Jobs I’d Rather be Doing.

I was watching The great british Bake off the other night and some one popped up to make a comment and their job title was ” food historian. ” This got me thinking what a great job that would be and what other jobs I could be doing now if I had received better careers advice ( or just made an effort to pay more attention at school ! )

A is for archaeologist, like Indiana Jones.
B is for beer tester, drinking till my liver moans.
C is for caddy, making golfers miss their stroke.
D is for dandy, always a natty dressed bloke.
E is for Elvis look-a-like, voice and belly vast.
F is for food historian, gorging on the past.
G is for games tester, so my hobbies also my job.
H is for hacker, from the rich I’d rob.
I is for innkeeper, propping his bars.
J is for journalist, spying on the stars.
K is for Karma monitor, helping sort out your next life.
L is for loony on the bus, scaring your wife.
M is for mail man, handling post with negligence.
N is for Narcotics agent, sampling all the evidence.
O is for organic cabbage farmers that make you fart all day.
P is for poetry, if only I could make it pay its way
Q is for quiz master, never getting a question wrong.
R is for radio DJ, playing only my favourite song.
S is for Santa Claus, dashing through the snow.
T is for TV critic, glued to my favourite show.
U is for umbrella maker, plenty of work in this country.
V is for vampire slayer, like Buffy but less sexy.
W is for writer, working on my new book.
X is for xylophone tester, (ok here I got stuck.)
Y is for yodeller, yodelling long and loud.
Z is for zephyr watcher, head always in a cloud.