Time to relax now.
Happy Christmas to you and
a peaceful New Year.
Have a great festive season folks, thank you for checking out my poems throughout the year I’ll be back with more after Christmas.
Break out the Dickens
festive ghosts haunt a miser.
Muppets did it best.
As the winter snow falls gently down,
There’s a unholy sound carried on the breeze.
Something wicked this way comes,
You tremble with the feeling of impending unease.
Coming closer is the sound of metal clinking
Accompanied by an ominous heavy tread.
There, did you catch that brutish laughter?
Did you glimpse those eyes of fiery red?
Meet Krampus the malevolent bastard of Christmas,
He doesn’t bring presents he brings terror tonight.
Children scream as by their window Krampus stalks past,
As the monster is truly a hideous sight.
The beast’s matted hair is brown and black,
He walks quickly on twisted hooves.
On his misshapen head grow deformed goat horns,
While between cracked teeth his lecherous tongue drools.
Krampus’ huge warty hands carry,
Chains to thrash all the misbehaving children well.
On his back he bears an old rusty bath tub,
In which he drowns the naughty then washes them down to hell.
Now hold that thought of Krampus being evil,
Hold your thought that he’s a truly nasty soul.
Did you know some folks adore Krampus,
If the strange truth be told.
These folks have made Krampus a celebrity,
He’s the figurehead of a vast empire
Of Krampus related merchandise,
That children and adults at Christmas all desire.
You can now buy Krampus action figures,
Or purchase Krampus t-shirts and masks.
You can dress your partner up as Krampus,
But let’s move quickly on from that.
It seems to me that Krampus has gone from being nasty,
To being a multi-media celebrity icon.
He now truly represents the dark side of Christmas,
But I can see what is really going on.
There’s a new streak to Krampus’ evil,
It’s that what makes me really afraid.
As now rather than drown me and then send me to hell,
He’ll keep me alive because there’s money to be made.
On the first day of Christmas I was
surprised to receive in the post…
Twelve best of Drum and Bass CDs,
Eleven vaping pipes,
Ten LEGO models of the House of Lords,
Nine ladies tasteless Christmas jumpers,
Eight Maid Marian cosplay outfits,
Seven boxes of Swan filter tips,
Six Wild Geese DVDs,
Five Ex- Ratners gold rings
Four calling bird ring tones
Three roasted French hens
Two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves and
A signed photo of Alan Partridge.
That’s the last time I do the Christmas shopping on Amazon when I’m drunk.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Then the very next day….
A mob of angry villagers
under the misapprehension I was some sort of grave robber
appeared at my castle
armed with pitchforks and torches.
They then proceeded to burn down my ancestral home
destroy my science project
and threaten me with legal action.
So this year to save me from tears
i think I’ll just give you… Next vouchers.
Festive tradition says that it’s bad luck
to refuse a kiss under the mistletoe.
I mean what harm can it bring to
lock lips under bright green foliage
and berries as rich and white
as the soft touch of snow.
Could you resist a seasonal dare
and the accompanying giggles that
But don’t forget in your excitement that
mistletoe and its plump white berries also
bring extra Christmas gifts.
They love to give you blurred vision,
soaring blood pressure but best of all
they will kill you.
Mind you they do say a kiss will do
exactly the same thing.
This week I have been told,
“Have a cool yule,
Winterval is coming
Happy holidays and more.”
But I nearly spat out my mince pie
When I was told
The low hanging Christmas decorations
That threaten to garrote me
Were there because
“They’re the reason for the season.”
What does that mean?
You see everyone around me
Of all faiths and persuasions
From atheists to the zealous
Talk of nothing but…
Christmas cards and more.
All while scoffing chocolate santas.
The reason for the season indeed.
So to celebrate the season I’ve put together a small collection of festive poetry entitled “Winter Warmers.” The book is available online or if you’re local from Southcart Books in Walsall.
The book contains as you’d imagine a selection of my Winter/Christmas related poems and is a steal at only £2:20 plus postage and packing. I hope you enjoy it.