Oh Lord won’t you buy me the latest iPhone?


Inspired by my own poor phone, with apologies to Janis Joplin.

Apple-iPhone

Oh Lord won’t you buy me the latest iPhone?
My friends all have one, I’m feeling alone.
Hardly worked all my lifetime , a job I’ve not known,
So Lord won’t you buy me the latest iPhone?

Oh Lord won’t you buy me a 3D TV?
PPI cold callers are trying to find me.
I rarely get out of bed each day before three,
So Lord won’t you buy me a 3D TV?

Oh Lord won’t you buy me a night on the beer?
I’m counting on you Lord, the pub is quite near.
Prove that you love me and let’s both say cheers,
Oh Lord won’t you buy me a night on the beer?

Oh Lord won’t you buy me the latest iPhone?
I need to contact my dealer, I want to feel stoned.
My meds are wearing off, I thrash and I moan.
Oh Lord won’t you buy me the latest iPhone?

That’s it.

What if I massacred a classic ?


what if

What if I just can’t keep my head when all about me
Are losing it, why can’t I just lose it too ?
What if I can’t trust myself and often have doubts
About anything I think I might be able to do ?
What if I can’t wait and I just don’t do the queue thing
And I’m always looking for an easy compromise.
What if I can hate and be hated simultaneously
And find hatred of me comes as no surprise.

What if I can’t dream as sleep doesn’t come easy
And my thoughts are made confused by tablets.
What if I meet with triumph and disaster
And get tongue-tied and just can’t speak.
What If I can’t bear to read criticism
And swear twice a day to not write again.
What if I think my life is a broken record
A scratchy story of an existence mundane.

What if I never really want to gamble
Because I just can’t beat the odds.
What if I want to be reborn and try again
But I’ve been abandoned by all the gods.
What if I can’t force my heart to change
Because it’s totally encased in ice
What if I can’t hold on anymore
And am fed up of trying to be nice.

What if I get embarrassed at my thoughts
And think my imagination is long dead.
What if anyone can accidentally hurt me
And so I never want to get out of bed.
What if no one can count on me
And I just can’t do that too.
Then mine is this splintered existence
About which there is nothing I can do.

Monday’s Child.


20130519-180818.jpg

Feeling cynical so this is my medicine.

Monday’s child is always dull.
Tuesday’s child is full of Red Bull.
Wednesday’s child to school won’t go.
Thursday’s child is under an ASBO.
Friday’s child likes pasties for breakfast.
Saturday’s child is drunk on Buckfast.
While the child that is born on the Sabbath Day.
Doesn’t understand what that means anyway.

Snow, Snow, Wonderful Snow.


For any commuter delayed today on their journey

( Apologies to the original writers of mud glorious mud ! )

A cold commuter was standing one day
At the bus stop that was near his abode.
He gazed at the snow that peacefully lay
Clogging the paths and the roads.
Backed up the traffic all stood still
Of a bus there was no sight.
The commuter tried to ignore the chill
As he wished for a bus on which to alight.

Snow, snow, wonderful snow
Nothing quite like it to make things go slow.
So follow me don’t stop, down to the bus stop
And there let us shiver in wonderful snow.

Now more commuters began to arrive
At the bus stop that had no bus.
Like worker bees that can’t reach the hive
They began to grumble and fuss.
And still the snow continued to fall
And the roads get more backed up.
As lorries and cars tried not to stall
And still there was no sign of a bus.

Snow, snow, bloody awful snow,
Britain is now on a giant go slow.
So follow me don’t dither, try not to shiver,
As we wait for a bus in the wonderful snow.

Jottings from my note book – day 3.


Some time ago I massacred rewrote some nursery rhymes which can be found here. Of course in my note book I found I had tried to write some more but got stuck after this one….

My poor old broken brain
I’ve taken 10,000 pills
I’ve spoken to lots of specialists
But I am finding still.
That when I am up, I am up
And when I am down, I am down
And I can’t seem to remember
Being neither up nor down.

Needless to say after this ” dark ” effort the rest of my ideas failed to materialize.

 

When Crisps Cry


Have you ever opened a packet of crisps only to be disappointed by the low number of crisps present, well you are not alone.

I fell victim to the curse of the empty crisp packet only yesterday hence todays poem inspired by the classic Prince song.

Dig if u will the picture
Of me feeling quite hungry.
My stomach starts to rumble,
Can u Mr Walker,
Picture my agony !

Dream if u can an office
A very hungry room.
The peckish strike curious poses,
They feel the hunger,
The hunger of me and u.

How can u leave me so hungry ?
With only six crisps in my packet.
Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I just like full crisp packets.
Maybe your just like my wallet
That’s always empty as well.
That’s because you’re so expensive.
This is what it sounds like,
When crisps cry.

Touch if u will my stomach,
Feel how it trembles inside.
You’ve got my hunger all tied up.
Don’t make me buy another,
Even I have some pride.

How can you leave me so hungry ?
The packet had more air than crisps.
Maybe I’m just to demanding,
Too want more than six crisps.
Maybe your just like my stomach,
It’s never satisfied.
Why do I scream at the vending machine ?
This is what it sounds like
When crisps cry….

( Apologies to Prince ! )

I’m Going on a Beer Hunt


Last night before she went to sleep I read my daughter the excellent children’s poem
We’re going on a bear hunt, ” by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury.

After my daughter had fallen asleep I found the words of the poem were still going round in my head then before I knew what was happening I had started to write the following parody.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh a queue
A queue at the bar
I can’t go round it
I can’t go under it
I’ll have to go through it.

Push, shove, push shove, push shove.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh the pubs crowded
The pubs very crowded
I can’t stand here
I can’t stand there
I’ll have to go to the beer garden.

Balance glass, negotiate door, balance glass, negotiate door.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh wasps
Nasty little wasps.
I can’t go round them
I can’t go through them
I’ll have to be violent to them.

Ineffectual swat, ineffectual swat

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh rain
It’s stating to rain.
I can’t go round it
I can’t go though it
I’ll have to just wait for it to stop.

Get wet, get wetter, get wet, get wetter.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh my glass is empty
I’ll have to go to the bar,

Back through the rain, get wet, get wetter.
Back through the wasps, ineffectual swat, ineffectual swat.
Back through the pub door, Balance glass, negotiate door, balance glass negotiate door.
Back through the queue, push, shove, push,shove

Pay for pint
Notice time
Down pint in one
Run for bus
Travel home while
Fighting urge to urinate.

I’m never going on a beer hunt again.
Until tomorrow

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off.


Apologies to George Gershwin.

 

The love we found at the bottom of a glass
Just like my beer is growing flat.
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that.

You say potato, I say chips,
You say brunch, I say crisps.
Potato, chips, brunch, crisps
Let’s call the whole thing off.
You like salad, I like pork scratchings
You like romantic films, I like action.
Salad, scratchings, romance, action
Let’s call the whole thing off.

But what if we did call the whole thing off ?
Then I suppose we will drift apart ?
And I imagine….
You’ll briefly break my heart ?

Nah, we’re destined to fail because…

You like boxers and I like Y-fronts
You like Phil Collins, I think he’s the antichrist.
Phil Collins, antichrist, boxers, Y-fronts
Lets call the whole thing off.

 

 

An old proverb updated


I was always bought up that when the sky dawned red to say the old proverb,

Red sky at night, shepherds delight,

Red sky in morning, shepherds’ warning.

The origins of this saying can be found here. But as usual my brain went into overdrive and came up with an updated version of the proverb which I feel reflects the world we live in better.

Red sky at night , nuclear fright !

Red sky in the morning, fallout warning.

or

Red sky at night, shepherds delight,

Red sky in the morning, shepherd on fire !

I Can’t Linger any Longer my Darlin.


Today I have attempted to write a coutry and western song based on someone at work using the phrase, ” I can’t linger any longer. ”

Why ?

Why not !

 

I can’t linger any longer my darlin,
It’s time for me to go gold prospectin.
I’m leavin on my mule,
For you I was a fool.
So I can’t linger any longer my darlin.

I can’t linger any longer my darlin,
Your voice I no longer want to hear sing.
I’m leaving town tonight,
I’m doin what is right.
So I can’t linger any longer my darlin.

I can’t linger any longer my darlin,
I can no longer be your king.
I’ve had enough of your strife,
I’m goin back to my wife.
I can’t linger any longer my darlin.