The Cautionary Tale of Little Ben


Little Ben should have paid more attention,
When he was alone in detention.
Then he would never have been laid low,
From behind by a deadly ladle blow.

You see because of savage cuts to funds,
His canteen had nothing to serve but crumbs.
So if the meals were going to continue,
Little Ben had to go on to the menu.

So Ben became sausages and pies,
Milkshakes were flavoured with his eyes.
Cuts of him in pickle were preserved,
While his kneecaps with custard were served.

His tongue was very neatly removed,
Then used to garnish a tasty stew.
His kidneys became taramasalata,
While his toes were turned into chipolatas.

His feet were deep-fried in his socks,
Then his buttocks made into divine chops.
His calves were basted in organic cider,
While his fingernails became appetizers.

So don’t be like little Ben, pay attention,
If you’re left alone in detention.
Then quickly home you can run,
Perhaps to become a vegetarian?



Squeak at the Moon

Walking home past a creepy old pet shop,
I was coming home late last night.
When a small creature out of the dark shot,
Who proceeded to give me a tiny bite.
I went straight to the hospital,
They said I was OK, so was home soon.
However all it seems was not well,
As I found out at the next full moon.
I awoke that night with an odd feeling,
While at the window the moon rose.
I grew fur, whiskers and a small tail,
With a very cute bright shiny nose.
Rising in a state of terror and panic,
I looked in my bedside mirror.
Looking back at me I could see,
Was a Were Hamster, oh what terror!
Strange urges now took control,
For me that night there was no rest.
Firstly I found a load of old newspapers,
Chewing them to build a big nest.
Then as I lay down inside it,
Wondering where this would lead.
I was overtaken by a new craving,
A hungry urge to eat sunflower seeds.
So I went outside into the garden,
For it was there the sunflowers were.
Then with a swift blow from my claws,
Not a single delicious plant was spared.
While I gorged on the tasty seeds,
Another odd urge I began to feel.
I chewed and thought about it,
Where would I find a giant hamster wheel?
Then the solution hit me quickly,
I scampered into a farmer’s field.
There spying his tractor all alone,
Its big back tyre I began to steal.
I rolled around in the tyre in ecstasy
Feeling this night mustn’t end soon.
I was having such great fun,
Raising my head I squeaked at the moon.
Next morning human again I awoke in my nest,
The night before seemed so unreal.
But there against my garage wall,
Was my tractor tyre hamster wheel.
So now every full moon I change,
And go out and fulfill beastly needs.
By having a good run in my wheel,
And stuffing myself with sunflower seeds.